The Seed of Doubt

     Do you ever feel lost in your own life? Unrecognizable to yourself when you are 

alone? But you want to believe the person you were before facing chronic pain is still in there hoping to see the light of day again... This is the story of a girl who used to walk with a skip in her step while humming or singing songs of praise but over time her drive to find joy in the little things or lift the corners of her mouth into a smile has vanished. I know there are others who can relate for there are numerous reasons individuals stop striving and retreat from their pursuit of life. I always used to feel it was okay to break down as long as didn't unpack and live there.  Somewhere along the way I stopped reminding myself to get back up and retreated into myself so that no one could reach me.
   

     I used to pray constantly asking the Lord to heal me; then I began to beg for Him to just lessen the pain caused by my occipital neuralgia or give me one good day with limited nausea, neck pain, stabbing and throbbing head pain; now I just live with the pain because what more am I supposed to do. I hate talking to people because I feel miserable most of the time and no matter how much I love the individual I'm with I want to run away or scream from the pain. I used to wake up thanking the Lord for another day as I bounced out of bed whereas now I pull myself out of bed wishing I didn't have to face another day.   

I used to pray without ceasing about everything, as though I had a continuous conversation going on with our creator. With every situation I spoke with God about what was in my heart. Last night, my mom told me I needed to keep an immediate family member in my prayers because they were struggling. I screamed back from the other room something about my prayers not doing anyone any good and I don't want to talk about prayer. I don't know why out of all the things I've been through in life  chronic pain is what has utterly broken me. In the past, I believed God was working through the storms of my life and using the hurt and pain for a greater purpose. Now I wake up every morning immediately overwhelmed by the heaviness of my physical pain diagnosed as occipital neuralgia and though I've tried in the past, I have not been able to believe this pain serves a purpose. I know my faith is dwindling; through my unbelief I have allowed the seed of doubt in and now am in a sorry condition. I need to weed it out, I need to reopen full lines of communication with the only one who knows the depths of my pain, I need the Lord.

     Singing is painful, smiling is painful but I still push myself to sing because it sometimes lifts my spirit and I force my self to smile because resting b$&%@ face looks good on no one. I know I need to continue to pray even if the prayer is to ask the Lord to help my unbelief. No matter how painful every waking moment may be I have to remind myself that "God is still God and I am not."  

     The combination of doubt and pain are disabling, paralyzing at times. While this pain feels infinite I must remember it is not and I must choose joy and live despite this weight. I need to remind myself of the things which used to comfort me. My father is the King of kings, knows who I am, and loves me still. No matter how lost I am he will seek me out and find me. No matter how unrecognizable the pain makes me feel he knows my heart. Father, help my unbelief!